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Arcturus burn

2007-03-16T01:14:00.000+05:00

i finally threaded the god forsaken moustache i didnt have the energy to for 10 days...maybe more....i dont think ive ever gone that long without getting rid of every hair..and 12 hours ago..it was gone..i look less like a man...except for my eyebrows...but im letting them grow...i dont care how bad it looks...i really dont care...i finally had a bath after 2 weeks..and cleansed my skin...too bad it wasnt my soul...my hair is so thin and drained just like me...it was falling out like mad crazy..i hope i dont go bald...this stress/depression/madness is killing me....its like i have a voice but no ones going to hear...my face has spots on it..4 to be exact..one on the right of my cheek, one on my left...one on my upper lip and one between my eyebrows.....i lost 3 kilos within 3 days...and i could go shopping with these bags under my eyes...and as i listen to snow patrol telling themselves to run i wonder how i got here...dreams..what on earth are those...love...? i dont know if it exists...but if it doesnt..then wht are these strong feelings of mine...? im the biggest wreck i'll ever be...i dont think ive ever felt so decieved...so let down...i dont understand why i was told on...my secrets given away...she hits herself she does this mom she does that...that is what what was private my dear boy....and you desecrated it...you desecrated what was mine wheni tried to patch up what was yours...did you even want it anyway? even the smiles or the things that made you slightly happy?..i wish you had...perhaps you had...maybe i'll allow myself that much...i dont care of you hate me loathe me, cant stand me or anything..i cant stop caring..and "loving" because thats who mariam is...the gentle crrushed soul who just wanted to smile and be happy with someone she believed in...the only time ive ever let my soul , my heart, my head go...and i'll never regret it...just take whatever memories i can salvage and take them with me to my grave....i wish the human heart and soul wasnt capable of all these emotions...no actually that dont really believe that..i feel like ive been entirely ripped up...ive lost my identity..and that little girl is scratching from within me and saying..let me out..dont worry about anyone...just bring me out and you see what i can do for you..dont cry my flesh blood and bone..your soul exists...you are what you believe your reality to be....dont be afraid of me now..its time for me..for you..for us...what makes me cry isnt even really this shielded deception...its that i cant help you...and you never wanted my help..and thats the way you chose to go down...you chose misery over me...and now..sigh... i dont blame you for anything..kuch bhi nahin...i dont even blame myself....*silence*.....you know what...i just dont have the heart to write any further...this suffocation is eating me from the waist up..towards my lungs.... in the words of he who knows himself..." i want you to stick tome like a bluebottle or whatever...i dont ever want you to give me my space, you bring meaning to my space" ...or so i thought.....or so you said....

Asphyxiation

2007-03-13T01:49:00.000+05:00

The sun has come down upon her....and this blackness has smothered her with lonliness...the drops of rain that fall infinitely drench her hair and her skin like a thousand angels weeping as one of their kin lay lying in the dirty puddles of saline that surround her...her wings browned, torned and tattered like the last leaf hanging from an autumn tree punched with holes and so frail you can see its skeletal body trying to keep itself together...so pale...so hungry...her light..faded...completely jaded...choking on the air that lets her breathe...eyes so innocent and alive....drowning in themselves....spinning in a black hole...staring into it you can see the lines of the whirlwind of the sadness and the tears that remain frozen in space...churning,in the core of her eyes...lying in the silhouettes of memories...that took themselves away...that left her to dig her own grave, to bury herself...to read her own epitaph....oh me...those embraces...that stretch a speck of her lips into a shape of a distorted unseen smile...and as she drags herself to the deserted corner of the eerie grounds for which she will forever remain each moment.. passes by..."i'll live with those even if they were a lie...it's the most beautiful lie i've ever been told".. it made her live and sing and dance and weep and care and love and adore but at the moment she cant make sense of this dagger sliding down her back....why has he gone away? why ? why am i left alone? why am i chained in this conspiracy of hate and hurt of which inever commited...only care love and adoration that brought me to my knees...forgive me, jsut listen to me, forgive me, just listen to me..i want to help you...i want to help you..just dont saya word...dont bring me down to your mercy..just take my hand..and dont say a word....but the words were said..and thrown in my face..my heart...so small with harsh words...my pain was the universe..so vast....its only because i cared..but eventually the uncontrollable came to be...after the viciousness that was this knife that you could not control...its not the knife or this blood that i care for..i jsut want to help you..to see you smile..to strengthen your heart....and allow you to fly...this knife is not yours and nor are the hands holding it..no one cares for a broken angel...shes not beautiful anymore even though her heart is pure..shes left with whatever they wish..but they dont look back ...the silent agreement was broken...but they didnt care...and she lay asphyxiated...waiting for a miracle as death gloomed over her... they wont look back...they never look back...was i mistaken? was i decieved?...it cannot be...it cannot be...her heart is pure...she doesnt hate...she isnt angry...she just loved so much that she lost herself somewhere...shes needs to come back out..from under the rubble...she is so much more...she isnt angry..she just cared..she just hurt...just like any angel could...shes not angry just filled with grief...never again...filled with grief that overcame every part of her existence...shes not angry...i cant breathe...why cant i breathe....please let her breathe... she didnt mean any harm...

I am who I always knew I thought I was....

2006-08-11T02:09:00.000+05:00

It's quiet on the front....i remembered this existed....words of idiotic youth rampaged an innocence.....not me....not me...words that will been seen and might be heard...but never understood....seeking refuge in something that is seen....and perhaps understood....but only by those can see....who choose to see....words go unheard, no matter how loud they may be...dressed in shades of neon.....wrapped in the finest of silks....left to fade...left to wither....or perhaps packed....waiting to be seen...waiting to be opened...bright shiny and new...i pray...i just pray....